Jokes Thread

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Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Fri 15 Jul 2011 - 20:24

A terrible thing happened to me this morning

I woke up and found the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed

At first, I was afraid

then I was petrified.

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Fri 15 Jul 2011 - 20:26

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Fri 15 Jul 2011 - 20:47

A woman is in court for stealing a tin of peaches.

The judge says "I'm sentencing you to 4 months imprisonment, one month for each peach in the tin".

As the woman is being led away to begin her sentence, her husband shouts from the gallery "hang on your honour, she stole a tin of peas as well!

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Fri 15 Jul 2011 - 20:49

“Hey, Mom,” asked Johnny “can you give me twenty dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.” :joker:

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Fri 15 Jul 2011 - 20:54

My jokes are a little too blue for here me thinks.

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Fri 15 Jul 2011 - 21:08

Don't know if the Censor will allow this one Craig!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie. "
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too. "

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jumbo landing in cross wind

Post by Jubbahey on Fri 15 Jul 2011 - 23:36

Experts say this is a fake as the landing lights can not be seen, but its up to you to make your mind up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm8FJ8la2VU&NR=1

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Sat 16 Jul 2011 - 22:57

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read,the family dog was there too, and on hearing the screeching sounds began to howl.

Johnny's father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. 

Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled "For Gods sake can't you play something the dog doesn't know"


Last edited by BOO on Sun 17 Jul 2011 - 23:18; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Jubbahey on Sat 16 Jul 2011 - 23:53

My wife called me senile the other day, so I made my mind up to show her I still had the spark.

Last night, I walked naked into the bedroom and stood at the end of the bed, she took one look at me and said "You've had it !"

And I couldn't remember if I had or I hadn't.

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Sun 17 Jul 2011 - 23:11

A Duck walks into a bar.
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread![Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar......
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Jubbahey on Tue 19 Jul 2011 - 10:19

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time
of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Tue 19 Jul 2011 - 10:41

A couple was on their honeymoon, ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done,
the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to
his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I was going to get room service to get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to
his wife a third time.

When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn
hole."

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Tue 19 Jul 2011 - 22:41

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Tue 19 Jul 2011 - 22:43

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'

Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going, you clumsy git?'

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Tue 19 Jul 2011 - 22:53

I used to hate weddings, all the old Aunties saying "YOU'RE NEXT, YOU'RE NEXT"

They soon stopped that when I started saying the same to them at funerals!

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Tue 19 Jul 2011 - 23:01

A husband has to place a death notice in the local paper following the death of his dear wife. However, he only has £1 to spend and when he phones classified, the member of staff says it will only buy him three words

The husband thinks and says - put these words

'Margaret is dead'

The person taking the order feels sorry for the bereaved husband and says he will allow him three extra words free of charge

The husband thinks again, thanks the member of staff and says - please put these words




'Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale'

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Wed 20 Jul 2011 - 23:14


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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Jubbahey on Wed 21 Dec 2011 - 20:46

If anyone gets an email from the Health dept stating leave tinned pork alone for fear of spreading Swine Flu.....

Ignore it.....

Its SPAM !

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Jubbahey on Wed 21 Dec 2011 - 20:50

You've prob all seen this before, but I took another look today and it hasn't lost its appeal...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Thu 22 Dec 2011 - 9:41

Lol - first time I have seen this rofl

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Thu 22 Dec 2011 - 20:20


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